Saturday, June 15, 2024

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I WITNESS: Welcome to the new Theocratic States of America

Because every word of the Bible is divinely inspired, citizens of the Theocratic States of America will no longer be able to pick and choose which of God’s laws they obey.

Fellow countrymen, we come to you with good news and glad tidings. After a prolonged struggle to free America from the chains of a godless democracy, we have, with help from the Great Redeemer, prevailed over the apostates and the sinners. The struggle between good and evil is now at an end, and we stand, at last, in the divine light of righteousness. God’s truth has been revealed, and we are saved.

Well, not all of us, exactly. There are social deviants and sodomites who have already been removed, for they are an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. They have been deported to a secure facility in Alaska, where they will be carefully supervised until they die of hypothermia or other natural causes. May God have mercy on their souls.

We are currently seeking divine guidance on Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and others who persist in believing in false prophets. But God is merciful, so they will be spared if they renounce their heresy and convert to the one true faith. The religiously misguided will be sent to reeducation camps in Mississippi and Arkansas in order to help them find salvation in the Lord. It’s the right thing to do, and we will pray for them. Hallelujah.

Now that the homosexuals and Jews have been smitten, there will be no further production of ballets, musical comedies, or operas. Broadway theaters will be repurposed and become wholesome venues for Passion Plays, exorcisms, revival meetings, and other forms of family entertainment. It is finally safe to visit New York City again; all of the homeless have been relocated to the island of Molokai, and the pampered illegals who stole your jobs have been returned to their godless South American slums. Please feel free to take advantage of brand new career opportunities in the housekeeping, dishwashing, and farm labor sectors. God helps those who help themselves, so help yourselves. Amen.

In public schools throughout our new theocracy, the day will begin with prayer and songs of exaltation; secular history texts will be replaced by lively content from PragerU; the Ten Commandments will be posted in every classroom; and female students will be required to dress modestly in ankle-length dresses. At present, bonnets will remain optional, but this policy may be revised after we receive recommendations from our network of Good Shepherds, formerly known as “principals.” We will, of course, notify you if there are changes to existing policy. As you know, we have already removed all of the “woke” smut from our school libraries, thanks be to God and Moms for Liberty.

The Constitution, a deeply flawed document created by misguided nonsectarians, has now been replaced by the Holy Book. For those of you who are not yet entirely familiar with God’s precepts, we encourage you to start reading the Bible at once. Going forward, we will be governed, exclusively, by God’s living Word. Our new, vastly improved system of justice will now reflect the divine will of the Almighty, for He is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory (Matthew 6:13).

Accordingly, criminal statutes have been revised to bring them into proper alignment with God’s grand design. Thieves will now have their arms amputated, for instance, and for those who physically harm their neighbors, there will be a system of reciprocal justice. For more detail, please see Exodus 21:23–27.

Women who abort their unborn children will be stoned to death in the public square, along with their doctors and those family members who have abetted their crimes against God. Those receiving in vitro fertilization will be required to implant and carry to term each of their frozen embryos, for embryos are fearfully and wonderfully made. Also, please remember that God created sperm and eggs for the divine purpose of procreation. For this reason, contraception is now illegal, as is sexual intercourse for any purpose other than conception, praise the Lord.

As Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Tom Parker has written, “Human life cannot be wrongfully destroyed without incurring the wrath of a holy God, who views the destruction of His image as an affront to Himself.” For more information, please refer to Psalms 139:13–16.

Because every word of the Bible is divinely inspired, citizens of the Theocratic States of America will no longer be able to pick and choose which of God’s laws they obey. However, in recognition that even the most pious among us may need a period of adjustment, we will issue penalty-free reminders and warnings for the next six months—for as we all know, to err is human; to forgive, divine. Penalties for violation of God’s laws will begin following the six-month grace period, at which point the fury of the Lord shall roll down like thunder from the heavens.

Please be aware that pork will no longer be available for purchase or consumption (Leviticus 11:7); you will be required to comb your hair before leaving your house (Leviticus 10:6); and both tattoos and tattoo parlors are now illegal (Leviticus 19:28). For a comprehensive list of all potential affronts to the Almighty, please visit us at:


Have a blessed day, and may God’s will be done!

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